To the death of my quiet youth - Settling

On Settling

I should do what people my age should be doing.

This line would loop on repeat in my head. It got worse after grandma and grandpa passed. Like a damn trash pop with shitty lyrics and a catchy tune. Forever on loop.

It was on loop when I saw a friend celebrating the birth of their second child on Facebook; it was on loop when I binged 5 hours of YouTube; it was on loop when I downloaded that dating app, and on loop when I deleted that dating app; on loop when I bought BTS concert tickets, and on loop when I sold those tickets the next day. It’s a curse that has manifested every facet of my life. I need to sage this shit stat.

When I just moved to LA, I heard about this popular restaurant chain. Let’s call it “D”. There’s always a wait time for “D” regardless of day of week, and time of day. Friends would always suggest going there. The food must be good if everyone and their goldfish eats there. And so we wait in line to take a number, and wait some more to get seating. We finally got to our table. The food was okay, but I can’t tell if it tasted good because it is good, or because we waited so long that we were famished, and felt almost obligated to enjoy the food that others are still anxiously waiting for outside the door.

Why did we line up for “D” in the first place?

Because everyone else did?

Why did we follow what everyone else was doing?

Why did we think that just because it was good for everyone else, that it must be good for us too?

Should I do what people my age are doing?

Some say the older you are, the more difficult it is to make a real connection with someone. I think one of the reasons is we start overthinking too many questions. We seek rational answers, we’re more careful about getting hurt, and there is too much at stake to take a leap of faith. This is the case for me, at least.

The wonderful year of 2020 started before I could figure out all the answers. I forget why I wanted to figure them out in the first place. Life got busy.

Born to die. We are constantly striving and settling... striving and settling.

We were much more inclined to take leaps of faith in our 20s. We strived towards an outcome, but never forgot to enjoy the journey. Until our late 20s we realized it became too difficult to worry about both, and we only had enough strength to focus on the outcome. We thought we had clear destinations, until our late 20s when we realized those are not final destinations, but rather just the first boss in an open world RPG. And so now we strive to settle, at least I did, without knowing what settling really means.

Fortunately, multiple great minds have told me that settling is accepting who you are. If you can accept constant change as your settled state, then let that be who you are. Just like how beneath a seemingly calm ocean surface rages ever-changing currents and eddies. This is what oceans are. Oceans are not mountains, mountains are not clouds, and clouds are not fire.

I am whimsical, fantastical, emotional, indecisive. I am me. I am what I was in my 10s, I am what I was in my 20s, and now I am what I am in my 30s. I used to force myself to do what is society’s take on the things that people my age should do, to even be what people my age should look like, but that is not me. I am me. The me yesterday built up the me today, and the me today will continue to build up the me tomorrow. 30s is not the death of my youth.

Love yourself. Speak for yourself.

Peace.